I’m certain that the “finish line” is a different definition for every person, and it’s been a real struggle even just finding the words to articulate what I wanted to say about it in this blog. But I want to take the time to document the fact that I think I’ve crossed the finish line of my big heartbreak this year, and have entered into an entirely different territory of love and adventure. More on that later. But for now, let me tell you how I know I’ve crossed the first finish line:
I no longer think about my ex every day.
The thought of her used to torment me. Dreams, physical reminders, sounds, smells…all of these things would conjure mental images of what she and I were in the past. But as the days went on and I healed the wound she left, things stopped reminding me of her. In fact, even when I do happen to find myself thinking about her, it’s never coupled with the feeling of longing that used to come, say, 5 months ago.
I can talk about her without it hurting anymore.
When I used to talk about my ex, it was usually in the effort of venting a frustration or other emotional angst to somebody—anybody—who would listen. But today, I can talk frankly about the things we were. I can analyze my thoughts and feelings about who and what we were to each other from a less emotionally charged place, and seeing those things objectively has a measured amount of “huh, holy shit. We were kinda just going through the motions, weren’t we?” And THAT was a wildly enlightening experience to have.
I was able to go through and delete pictures of us from my personal libraries.
I remember one night, I went through the over 8,000 pictures in my phone and indiscriminately deleted pictures of her and us. And there were A LOT. But it wasn’t a “I’m forcing myself to let go of this person” type situation. I legitimately just went through my phone and was like, “You know, this is no longer something I need to have visual records of anymore.” It was the same with my social media accounts. Well, for the most part. If it was more of a hassle than it was a benefit, then I haven’t made the effort to take them down, lol. There are a LOT of tagged photos on Facebook that I really just don’t have the time or energy to spend deleting.
Perhaps most importantly, I was able to feel love for someone else.
I think a big reason I was never really interested in “rebounding” like people insisted I needed to was because I spent a decade of my life jointly associating physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. Tash Palmer has a lyric in a song called “On The Fence,” where she says “See my soul before you see my skin.” And that’s sort of how I feel, too. For some reason, this is an especially difficult concept to grasp for men, in particular. Almost unequivocally, my male friends have told me that I should “get out there and get laid” as a form of recovery. Often, it was hard for them to grasp that I was very disinterested in something like that. I think it was because I spent a decade of my life being physically intimate with only one person, so my mental association between sex and love are sort of inseparable. I don’t really find myself sexually attracted to people if I’m not first emotionally attracted to them. That being said, I recently found myself very emotionally attracted to someone. And that emotional attraction escalated to physical attraction, which escalated to the first physical intimacy in which I’d engaged since December of last year (which was almost a full year). I loved this person. And there was a time where I didn’t think I had the capacity to feel that way about any one else ever again.
Conclusion:
Truly, the experience of moving through heartbreak is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s one of the most taxing things I’ve ever had the displeasure of experiencing in my short life thus far, but it’s also something I wouldn’t trade back for the relationship I once had. This whole experience has made me a stronger person, a wiser lover, and has equipped me to be a better friend. When I was heartbroken and lost, close friends were there to catch me as I fell. And someday, a close friend of mine will be heartbroken and lost—and I will be there to support them through the harrowing saga that is heartbreak. Thanks for reading.
